Don’t worry, it’s okay :)

"Love looks better in color" — Lizzo

“Hi ma’am, may I take your order?”

“Hi! I’d like to get a latte.”

“Sure sir, is that for here or to go?” “To go, thank you :)”

This 2023, I’ve realized that it’s been a decade since I’ve come out of the closet. For those of you who don’t understand, coming out of the closet means coming to terms with one’s sexuality, gender identity, and expression – especially if you’re not cisgendered, a.k.a. heterosexual, p.k.a. “straight.”

For some, this may not be a big deal. Who cares if you’re gay? Who cares if you’re straight? Unfortunately, I do not belong to that group – especially the 13-year-old me who had to prove his worth in order to get some sort of validation – heck, even recognition that he’s worthy to be a living thing. I don’t mean to be sad or pessimistic, but that’s the way it’s been back then.

And so I fought for that validation; I fought for recognition. I made sure that people saw my value through what I can prove in my academics, and I fought for my identity like there’s no tomorrow. It was in resistance where I found my solace. Fighting for who I am seems like the very duty that I have to do, not just for me, but also for those who came before me (and fought for their identities) and those who’ve yet to come out.

But, alas, I grew tired…

Recently, singer and actress Demi Lovato came in the news to explain that she’s re-adopting her pronouns back to “she/her” after she grew tired of educating people about her former adoption of the “they/them” pronouns. Naturally, comments on social media leaned towards ridiculing her, pointing out that this is some form of tactic to get her into the spotlight again. But, this is far from the truth.

Many people in the LGBTQIA+ community, myself included, find it hard to continuously educate other people. This isn’t because we don’t want to or that we lack the willpower to do so, but the forces that continue to push traditional, exclusionary views (even laws, for chrissake) have also amped up their efforts. It’s as if there’s any benefit to them in banning things like drag shows, gender-affirming care, and SOGIE.

And what I personally found is that it’s easy for other people to dismiss clamors for equality, simply because they don’t feel the effects of inequality. It’s easy to tell Demi that what she’s doing is all “just for show” because people are never in her shoes where she constantly has to justify her very existence. Even something as simple as pronouns, though grammatically correct in every sense, is questioned, ridiculed, and not taken seriously.

So sometimes, it’s worth choosing your battles…

I felt Demi, and all the other non-binary who have to always explain simple things like pronouns or their appearance. I understand the exhaustion, the undying pressure, and the anxiety to muster up the courage and say, “hey, this is me. This is who I am.”

As someone who identifies as a transgender woman, who clearly doesn't pass as a cisgendered woman, being misgendered is an everyday occurrence that I’ve started to accept. From afar, people might see a woman, but once I speak and they hear my deep voice or once I remove my mask and see my facial hairs, the “ma’am” suddenly becomes “sir.”

And, sure, you might argue that my insistence to not undergo surgery or hormone replacement therapy (HRT) is a factor but, one, these things are not accessible to everyone (myself included), and two, any form of surgery or therapy doesn’t validate a person’s gender identity. While these are common for people who transition, these are not mandatory. You are who you say you are, period, full stop.

In my path to find peace every day, I’ve settled on simply choosing my battles. Call me ma’am or call me sir? Choose any, it's okay. Don’t want me to use the women’s restroom and insist on me using the one for men? Sure. Think I’m a man and I can never change that? Okay, if you say so. This is not me not giving a fuck about my identity; this is me not giving a fuck about what you think. I hold the power over me, and I’ll never give it to you by allowing you to disturb my peace.

Besides, the everyday person I meet on the street is not the one I should be fighting against. They, unfortunately, are just victims of the system that has allowed heteronormativity to thrive. Thus, we should always go for the system – the one that’ll continue to foster and affect people.

Let me end this already-lengthy post with the words from the late poet Maya Angelou:

“You may shoot me with your words,

You may cut me with your eyes,

You may kill me with your hatefulness,

But still, like air, I’ll rise.”

This Pride Month, let our resistance allow us – like air – to rise. ✊🏳️‍🌈

[Edit: Just because it's okay for me, doesn't mean it's okay for everybody else. Keep that in mind. ;)]